Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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