I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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