I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
