walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
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Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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