I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
