On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
