Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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