WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
