I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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