After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
