i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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