Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
