I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
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You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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