If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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