I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
