i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
