guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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