An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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