im having a threesome with these popsicles
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
