Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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