Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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