Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
