my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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