i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
