Pappa wants mamma naked
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
