ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
