just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
grandma shit on top of the toilet
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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