New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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