We're facebook friends in real life
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
