new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize