so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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