I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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