I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
