I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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