She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
