I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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