Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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