I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
