Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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