how can u be prego again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
