this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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