Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
