So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
