So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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