I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
