I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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