I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
