while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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