my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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