i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
