I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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