The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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