That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
