wat bout pragnant strippers??
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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