wanna go halves on a baby?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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