P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
