The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
