Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
