Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
