im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
